torn.

Do you ever feel you are holding onto someone or something the best you can but you feel a part of yourself breaking? That is where I am at currently in life.

I didn’t want to leave myself susceptible to heartbreak but here I am writing about it. I got married and thought that one person could never tear my heart apart. I gave my all and even the parts I wasn’t capable of giving after my Mom passed away.

I won’t divulge into personal details but I lost almost all the trust I have for him. I am holding onto the pieces I love, which is all if any, and it is just so difficult. I don’t feel well being touched by him. I don’t feel any connection to him. I feel violated.

What do you do when the person you have loved for so long has broken your trust? How do you regain it? How do you trust again?

A bowl of ice cream and bubble bath aren’t going to fix this one overnight.

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glimmer.

Since the end of last year, December 21 to be exact I fell back into depression. Yes I have been properly diagnosed and had sought out help but I still, due to unpreventable circumstances fell back into depression.

I found out my Mom’s cancer was terminal and she would only have about 10 months left of life. This was all too much to cope and handle… I had just had my daughter 3 months earlier and I needed my Mom here to help me with this motherhood thing…

On January 21, exactly one month later, my Mom lost her battle with pancreatic cancer. I felt everything around me shatter. My world came crashing down. My Mom wouldn’t be here to see my daughter grow up or even see her granddaughter’s first birthday. My heart was heavy, my heart hurt.

As each of these passing months has gone by, I have found one small glimmer of hope and happiness. I found it in my daughter. I realize the timing for everything isn’t a coincidence. My Mom was still able to become a first time grandmother and experience that joy. The timing for me becoming a first time Mom was right. I wouldn’t have my Mom’s help any longer but I could and will take all the advice she has given me and apply it in my life. I was given all the tools to be a successful woman.

I look at my daughter and see so much of my mother in her… Not just the features but in the personality. I have been holding on by a thread, I have been holding onto this small sliver of peace. There is a small glimmer of hope in this all.

homemade.

According to Webster, homemade is an adjective. Definitions are 1) made in the home, on the premises, or by one’s own efforts & 2) of domestic manufacture. When I used to hear ‘homemade’ I thought often of homemade baked goods my Mom used to make such as cheesecake and holiday spritz cookies, but over the last 2 years homemade has a brand new definition to me.

I learned that happiness is in fact homemade. Now, it may be easier said than done and I know it from experience but making your own happiness does start in your own home.

Let me set the scenario for you…

I found out January of 2015 that my Mom had pancreatic cancer. I never thought my own family, let alone my mother would have cancer. “Oh, that can’t happen to me.” “That’ll never happen to my family!” I was so wrong. I lived life thinking I was some TV star that was followed on camera where nothing could ever be wrong. I was shocked to find out this news. I tried different ways of coping, even leaving the state for a week thinking that would hep my Mom or she would magically get better when I returned. Wrong.

Everything was so different knowing my Mom had a rare cancer, let alone a cancer with such a low survival rate… I felt like my life just fast forwarded all of a sudden… I got married in August of that year and became pregnant shortly after. I tried making this happy life for myself so my Mom would be able to see it unfold.

I became a mother on September 24, 2016 and I learned the value of a home away from home. I was living about 30 minutes (on a high volume traffic day) away from my Mom, yet being in her house was still home. That warm feeling never left me. I wasn’t sure why, but I now know why.

I learned a lot of things from my Mom in those short months after my daughter was born. I learned how to be nurturing, more kind and selfless. This past January I also learned about heartbreak, and how delicate and fragile the heart really is when tied to someone else emotionally. Losing my Mom back in January has been very hard on me.

I fell back into depression in December and everything just spiraled down from there. I find all my emotions coming out all at once. I go through constant sadness, fear, anger and pure exhaustion. It’s a cycle that repeats itself daily. But, I’ve found some ways to make myself happy and keep myself occupied in these last few months… yet, everyday a new challenge arises. I’m doing my best to make my happiness, by finding the things I love and doing them. That is one of the strongest takeaways I could have ever learned from my Mom.

 

happy

I’ll just keep this take away message hung in my kitchen as a constant reminder to myself. I will make my own happiness.